XP's grandma passed away on the day of my grandma's birthday.. and i just read her blog entry.. was the saddest post i've ever read i guess.. and it definitely left me with some impact... i noe when someone u love so much suddenly leave u, is juz too hard to accept the fact or the turth... Though my grandma is still with me, but i dun share the closeness of wat xp has with her grandma.. i realli starting to doubt and question myself now.. izzt each time i refuse to care and show my concern and try to be close to her, is becoz i scare to face the day whereby she'll left me.. I dun sing to my popo like wat xp did.. i dun talk to her often or even look at her for even 1 hr each day... Yup.. many might say, how terrible or incorrigible granddaughter i am... always using projects, presentations, outings, tv programme as an excuse, to realli sit down side by side with my grandma spending time with her...

I nv know how to cherish...i always like to drive those people who realli cared for me away.. and i always refuse to go near, always putting up a tough look or a heck-care face to juz mask off wat i actually feel inside.. i'm not good with words, not good in expressing myself, sometimes i juz feel so useless tat, i'm feel like i'm better off dead or not exist in this world.. i noe there's still time for me to correct myself.. since my popo is still ard.. but i duno why, i always choose to run away.. choose to run away from seeing her gaping for air, seeing her needed to use that gray machine sitting at the end of the bed to help her breathe.. always refusing to sit right opposite her to have breakfast, lunch or even dinner with her.. i guess i'll juz breakdown when i see her not in a pink of health but in fragile health.. wat each time i can do was to pray for her in the silence nite.. juz hope she can stay with me for as long as she can... but i noe that's nv enuff.. i realli wish to be strong.. be strong for myself and for my family... i dun wish to always be the ostrich tat choose to run away all the time and hid myself in the dark tunnel or cave hoping that no one will see me...

Sometimes, i realli duno wat i'm scare of.. sometimes i guess, i juz give myself unneccessary stress that realli get myself under perform...i realli hope from the lesson i learn from xp.... i'll learn to be there for my popo and not regret...